Self Doubts, Gayatri mantram and Raghu Vamsam by Kalidasa

The below is the repost of a message I sent to a group long ago.

Different people might encounter different obstacles in their Gayatri Japam. Some might find it difficult to adhere to a strict schedule of doing Sandhya vandanam on the twilight periods. For me, one of the main obstacles I face is in imagining the Savita, the worshippable, adorable Soul and to confine the infiniteness of God within my mind. When I think of it as the Paramatma pervading everything in the world, including all beings, including myself, it’s quite possible to intellectually grasp the idea, however visualizing it throughout the Japam is very difficult, rather impossible to me. Imagining it as boundless space etc, are not of much help. And due to this difficulty, all kinds of thoughts detrimental to the Japam come to the mind. Reading the Upanishads has helped me to some extent, as they comprise of the utterances of Rishis who have come face to face with the Truth of the Brahman. With a faithful reading of the Upanishads, I have been able to capture some of the ‘Bhavam’ of the Rishis which I could then take to my Japam.

But despite this, negative thoughts still keep plaguing my mind. Even after making Sandhya vandanam and Gayatri Japam a regular practice, I continue making silly mistakes in my decisions. I continue to experience a lot of negative thoughts like - self doubts, low confidence, rashness, and other mental bad habits…that can be said to be contrary to the state of the mind of a person who has been blessed with divine thoughts by God. Due to this, I often wonder whether Gayatri Japam has made any difference in me at all. When I compare my present state of mind with my mind as it was, say, 2 or 5 years back, I even wonder whether I have gone backwards in certain aspects. So the question is, whether Gayatri Japam has been helpful in any way? It’s important to me given the plenty of investment I have made in it in terms of time and effort. There was a time when I even had doubts on the general efficacy of the Gayatri mantram. I did extensive research on the topic – read every book on the topic I could lay my hands upon, researched countless websites in the internet. Every one of them proclaims the glory of the Gayatri mantram in effusive terms. It cannot be possible that all of them are mistaken at the same time, and it’s also ridiculous to think that all of them have ganged up together in some conspiracy to project the Gayatri mantram for some strange, nefarious purpose. So my thoughts were mostly like, there is something in ME that’s wrong, that makes me barred from the blessings of mother Gayatri. It could well be a lot of bad karma. But there I encounter a difficulty. When I think about my karma in this present birth, it’s something that is still in my memory. I know the good as well as the bad actions that I have voluntarily committed in this birth. Looking at my karma in this birth, I don’t see anything that could be so bad as to make me ineligible to receive divine blessings. But when it comes to the karma from past births, it’s not something that I am presently aware of. I can’t even imagine what it could have been. I find it illogical that some karma that I might have done in a past birth, of which I am not even aware of now, has to make me suffer in this birth. It is the ‘lack of awareness or loss of memory’ that is offending my sense of natural justice. To at least know about a past bad action is a primary necessity for ensuring that a person can use that knowledge so as to not repeat it in future, as well as to undertake suitable remedial measures to counteract that past karma and bring forth the divine soul within. One might think that the Gayatri mantram might be chanted for the purpose of sharpening the memory, and for bringing back the ‘lost memory of karma of past births’. But what if the past karma itself makes one’s chant useless to him?

Anyway all this is mere guesswork, given that we are ordinary mortals who at least now, don’t have a glimpse of our past lives nor of the future life, nor even of the present as we most often are immersed in thoughts about the past or the future. The point is such thoughts have been so very detrimental to my Gayatri Japam. When you start thinking that the mantram might be quite great, but well, you might not be good enough for the mantram, it can be difficult to muster the motivation and self discipline needed to follow a regular Sandhya worship schedule.

So it was like for me until recently when I again started reading the Raghu Vamsam (in Sanskrit) written by Kalidasa. I have read it several times before, and was especially inspired by the second Canto in it which I studied in College. Critics consider it the most glorious Canto in the whole work, depicting one of the all time great stories in Indian mythology. But this time when I read the work, it’s the first Canto that helped me solve my problem. The way Kalidasa begins the topic, where he expresses his self doubts in handling so vast and great a topic as the chronology of the Raghus, I found similar to some of my own self doubts. It also gave me an idea for solving my own self doubts and dilemma with the Gayatri mantram.
To explain my point, I give below some of the verses in the Raghu Vamsam 1st Chapter, along with a rough translation.

Vaagarthaaviva sampriktau vaagartha prathipathaye |
Jagathah pitharau vande Paarvathiparameshvarau || 1.1
United like word and meaning, are the parents of the whole world, Paarvathi and Parameswara. I bow down to them, seeking the understanding of the right words and meaning (to be used in this work).

---- See how the Bhavam is similar to the one in Gayatri mantram, where we seek ‘nah dhiyah prachodayaat’. In both, it is divine knowledge that is sought for. Just as the Savita worshipped in the Gayatri mantram is the creator of the whole universe, it’s the ‘Jagathah Pitharau’, parents of the whole universe, Paarvathi and Parameswara who are worshipped in the RV 1.1.

Kva sooryaprabhavo vamshah kva cha alpavishayaa matih |
thitheershuh dustharam mohaath udupenaasmi saagaram || 1.2
How great is the race descended from the Sun, and how small is my intellect with its limited range! I realize that my wish is like attempting to cross the ocean, so difficult to cross, in a fragile raft.

----- Oftentimes this is how I feel when I attempt to meditate on the infinite, boundless Paramatman, or Savita. No sooner than I attempt it, I become aware of my limited mind with all its inadequacies. I start thinking – how can I meditate on the creator of the whole universe, with a few words I utter in my Japam…how it can ever work…and other thoughts in a like manner.

Mandhah kaviyashapraarthi gamishyaami apahaasyathaam |
praamnshulabhye phalelobhaath udbaahuriva vaamanah || 1.3
Of dull intellect, and yet aspiring to fame as a great poet, I might well be derided by all. Like in the case of a greedy dwarf who attempts to pluck a fruit, which is accessible only to the tall.

Athavaa krithavaakdvaare vamshesmin poorvasooribhih |
manau vajrasamulkeerne soothrasyaivaasthi megatih || 1.4
And yet, in this race of the Sun, the ancient great men have already opened the way of speech with their work. I might still get access to it, as a piece of thread which can pass through a gem, in which a hole has been made already by a diamond.

---- This is the verse that has solved my problem. As a chanter of the Gayatrimantram, I have the blessings of the numerous Rishis of the bygone past, who have, each one of them, contributed to the welfare of the world and the power of the mantram by their selfless chanting. With my limited capabities, yet I am following a path treaded and blessed by great Rishis, who will also show me the right way. They themselves have prescribed the chanting of Gayatri mantram for all, and which includes this little me as well. All that I need to do is, to repose faith on their goodwill, seek their blessings and continue with my practice.

Sohamaajanmashuddhaanaam aaphalodayakarmanaam |
Aasamudrakshiteeshaanaam Aanaakaratha varthmanaam || 1.5
Kalidasa reassuring himself, continues, or rather starts his immortal epic... so I shall attempt to recite the tale of the race of.....Kings who were unblemished right from their births, whose efforts always met with success, who ruled the whole earth bounded by the oceans, whose chariots reached the heaven.....

------ I start thinking, inspired by the blessings of the great Rishis like Vishwamitra, Vasishta, Atri, Bhrigu etc, whom we remember daily as part of our Sandhya vandanam, as well as my father who originally taught me the mantram, let me mentally recite the great Gayatri mantram.....